In Remembrance and In Mourning

A friend messaged me today to see if I was open to talking about my miscarriage experiences with her.  She just found out yesterday that her unborn baby did not have a heartbeat.  Immediately my heart broke for her.  I would not wish that experience on anybody.  The memory of that day in August 2014 when I went in for my 16 week exam came flooding back.  When the nurse practioner couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler, she calmly said that they would check me out with an ultrasound and for me not to worry.  With my past history, I just knew the worst had happened again and I started crying. I cried while the technician scanned me and then cried even harder when she told me "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat."  By a tender mercy from Heavenly Father, my doctor happened to be in the office on a day she wasn't scheduled.  They rushed to tell her what had happened and she ran into the room and threw her arms around me.  After I had calmed a little, I called Reed to tell him the news and he came to drive me home.  The whole experience is like a video that plays in my mind with the sharpest clarity.  I can remember every emotion, the whole sequence, every single nuance of the day I lost Henrietta.

The holidays can be such a hard time for people who have experienced a loss.  For those with pregnancy loss there is always a feeling of sadness for the lost milestones.  If Henrietta had lived, this would have been her first Christmas.  She would have almost been a year old.

Now, today, my heart breaks for my friend who will always remember Christmas time as a time when she lost her child.  I know that she has the gospel on her life and I hope she clings to the love of our Heavenly Father to get her and her family through.  Christ came to earth so that we could all return to live with God again.  And that means we can be with our loved ones for eternity.

As a reminder to all of you, I am always open to talking about my experiences.  I hope that you too have the hope that the gospel brings in your life, to help you at this difficult time.

Our Rainbow Baby

As this is the last day of October (almost November since I write this near midnight) and we wrap up Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month, I write about welcoming our rainbow baby to our family, Norah Jane.  Ironically, she was born on the day of the tulip planting ceremony that is hosted by my support group to commemorate all of the babies that left the earth too soon for our liking.

I was so relieved when she was born that she was safe and well in our arms.  And since we waited until the end to know if we were having a boy or a girl, there was the surprise of finding out that we would have FOUR girls in our home.  It was love at first sight.

A rainbow baby is a child born after a pregnancy loss or, in my case, several losses.  I think about the symbolism of this name a great deal.  I think about the account of Noah and God placing the rainbow in the sky as a covenant and symbol of His love for us.  I think about how rainbows come after a rainstorm and can turn a dreary day into something so wonderfully colorful.  Rainbows don't take away the effects of the rain.  Their appearance doesn't mean that it will never rain again.  And so it is with a rainbow baby.  Norah is not a replacement for the three children I have lost and her birth doesn't mean that I won't ever have another miscarriage.  I do, however, feel of my Heavenly Father's love for me every time I look at her.

Reed took a video (I didn't know he was taking a video) of me shortly after Norah was born.  I was cuddling her for the first hour of her life and feeling so many emotions. I started crying for many reasons.  I cried because I was still sad that I never got to hold Jean-Yves, Luc, or Henrietta and I still missed them.  I cried because I remembered that the last time I was in a labor and delivery room, it wasn't to give birth and I left empty-armed.  I cried because I was relieved that Norah was safe,  I cried because I was so thankful to my Heavenly Father for all the ways he showed me His love.  I have chosen to share this video because I want you to know that it's OK to feel so many emotions that might seem strange to be together.  It seems conflicting to be happy and sad at the same time.  It is OK, though.  The rainbow doesn't mean you will never be sad again.  Just remember that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you and will never leave you alone.  He will help you through the sad times.  Always.

It's October Again

It has been a whole year since I started this blog.  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and nothing makes this more real to me than being 38 weeks pregnant.  I miss my babies every day.  I think about them often and still get sad sometimes.  I am glad I started this blog though.  It's given me a place where I can record my thoughts and let people who read the posts know that it's OK to talk about this.  It's, of course, OK to not talk about it also if that is your choice.  Everyone should have a choice in how they grieve.  In the past year I've connected with people whom I never would have met in the first place because of this blog.  I've talked with friends who have had losses and didn't know who else to talk with.  I've talked with friends who have wanted to support other friends who have had pregnancy loss and didn't know how to do it.  I've talked with women much older than I who still miss their babies.  I have born my testimony to many about how I know that Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy.  He has made it possible for me to see my babies again.  I love thinking about Jean-Yves, Luc, and Henrietta sending down our rainbow baby with their love.

Here are some of my favorite pictures to commemorate October.

Rainbow Babies

They Remember

The other day, the girls were talking about their guesses as to what this baby will be- a boy or a girl.  They started counting all the girls vs. boys in our family and Lara asked "How many girls died?"  At first I didn't know what she was talking about.  After asking for clarification I figured out she was asking how many boys we lost with the miscarriages and how many girls (for the record, two boys and one girl).  I am glad she remembers because sometimes I wonder if I don't talk about it enough with her and her sisters.  And sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who remembers.

The New Normal

Tuesday night I started feeling funny- very nauseous, contraction-like feelings that continued into Wednesday night, and the baby was moving A LOT (which can be quite painful).  

Normally, I wouldn't be worried.  Normally, I would look something up on the internet about it and then say "totally fine." and deal with it.  Normally, I would just wait until my next doctor's appointment to ask.  Normally, I might have even ignored all those physical symptoms.

I have a new normal though.  

I don't like to say that my world stopped or died when I had my 3 miscarriages.  I am obviously still here and part of this world.  Parts of my world died and changed though.  

My world where I could have a blissful, carefree pregnancy is gone.

My world where I just assume that things are going to end with a baby in my arms is gone.

My world where I happily congratulate any person who has announced a pregnancy is gone.  

Instead, I have extremely hard first and second trimesters where I worry every day.

Instead, I say "hopefully" a lot.  "Hopefully, we will have a baby in October."  I am 35 weeks and I still use "hopefully".

Instead, I wish them a healthy pregnancy.  I am happy for them, I just cannot discount past experiences and the many, many women who have experienced pregnancy loss.

And so, I called my doctor today and asked to come in and be checked.  Kudos to the nurses for not making me feel like I was acting crazy or being unreasonable.  They patiently listened to what I had to say then hooked me up with a heartbeat and contraction monitor.  It was determined that the baby was doing very well and wasn't in distress.  I am having contractions, but small ones and not very regular.  They advised me to rest when I felt contractions and to drink lots of water and, of course, to keep an eye on things.  They assured me that I was right to come in and be checked and that they would rather me do that then worry for a week until my next appointment.  I left feeling relieved that I had gone in and told myself that I wasn't being crazy.

I just have to accept that this is my new normal.

Trying Everything

A lot of people have asked what I've done differently this pregnancy or if I have had any answers as to what was going on.  My answer- EVERYTHING and NO.

After the last miscarriage and all the tests came back normal, my doctor just looked at me and said "You can try any voodoo magic that you want."  She understood that even if the only helpful side effect was psychological, it would be worth it.  So I did.  I didn't research a whole lot of things but if something came across that seemed to make sense then I did it.

1.  Baby Aspirin

My doctor prescribed a baby aspirin a day which I have taken up until week 27.  The only reason I stopped was because I felt safe enough at that point.  Dr. Mini explained that there are no medical studies that absolutely prove that this method prevents miscarriages.  There is enough anecdotal evidence and the risks are so low that she felt like it was a good place to start.

2.  Folic Acid

Dr. Mini also doubled my folic acid intake for the same reasons stated above.  No medical proof that this works but you can't overdose on folic acid so you might as well try.

3.  Chiropractic visits

2 weeks after losing Henrietta, I injured my back and ended up fainting from the pain, giving myself a nice huge abrasion on the side of my face and messing up my neck right in time for my birthday.  I was in so much pain that I decided to give the chiropractor a try.  When he was going through my x-rays with me, he pointed out that I had a very interesting pattern in my spine.  In each part of my spine, the number 4 disk was out of place.  He said that was very unusual but it made perfect sense to me.  He explained that especially the alignment issue in my lower back could cause a decrease in blood flow and cause nerve interruption to the reproductive system.  I remembered that after the other two miscarriages I also had experienced back pain.  Not enough to cause me to faint but enough for me to remember.  Coincidence?  Side effect from DNC's?  Maybe.  I wasn't taking any chances though.  So now I see him and the massage therapist from the same practice twice a month for a one-hour therapeutic massage and chiropractic adjustment.  Since insurance covers both services then why not?  

Something else interesting the chiropractor said was that he was surprised that my alignment issues caused me so much pain.  He said those particular places don't usually cause pain, the issues would usually manifest themselves in other ways such as recurrent miscarriages.  Perhaps it is a good thing that I fainted when I did.  Maybe my body was just trying to get me on the right path.  Or not.  It could be a coincidence and I probably won't ever know in this life.  For now, I just enjoy my massage and thinking that maybe this was the difference.

4.  Water Purification System

We were walking through Home Depot one day and an employee approached us to complete a survey about our water at home.  Since Reed and I were both curious about the state of our water we completed the survey and agreed to have a water test done in our home with the company.  I was astounded with all the things wrong with our water.  The only level that was within normal range was our ph.  I could not believe how much chlorine was in there or how hard it was or how many particles were found.  You may say "Oh, it was just a magic show" but I already knew city water is bad, I just didn't know HOW bad.  We bought a basic purification system to the tune of a pretty penny.  This is probably my most expensive change and I am happy we did it.  It took about 3 weeks for the system to flush out and run through our entire property and after that I could really see a difference.  I drink more water now and can feel a difference when I shower.  Reed, always the skeptical one, even said that he could tell a difference.  Funny story- he was talking with a co-worker and mentioned that I was newly pregnant.  She looked at him very seriously and said "Do not let her drink tap water."  So I am not the only one who thinks this is a great idea!

4.  Increased ultrasounds

I am not classified as "high risk" with my doctor which surprises some people.  I have never asked why because I trust my doctor, whom I have been with since I was pregnant with Lara, and I figured if she thought it was necessary then she would tell me.  She did recommend a couple visits to the Maternal Fetal Medicine department at Riverside Hospital for some additional Level 2 scans.  I really don't think these scans could have prevented future miscarriages since my babies have just died and I already knew that, at least with Henrietta, everything developmentally had been normal.  But again, might as well do it and get great pictures!

Like I have said, I don't know if any of these things have fixed the root problem of my miscarriages and I will probably never know in this life.  Psychologically, these things have made ALL the difference.  I didn't want to sit back and do nothing.  Doing something was better.  And now I am 33 weeks pregnant.

The little stinker was not cooperating for my last ultrasound and had an arm slung across the face.  The technician tried to get him or her to move but to no avail.  It just made me laugh :)

Dear Luc

Dear Luc James,

Sometime during the month of July 2014 was your due date.  I don't actually know the specific date because I lost you so early and I never made it to the doctor.  I actually would have always wondered if I really miscarried or just had a really late period.  Except a week later, I started bleeding heavily and ended up needing a DNC.  So I know I really lost you.  The holidays were not quite as fun knowing that.

I wish I could have seen you, like I did with Jean-Yves and Henrietta.  If you really are a girl, I apologize!  I just decided you were a boy and gave you a name.  I'll make it up to you after we are resurrected and you can set me straight.

You are named after my two favorite Star Trek captains, Captain Picard and Captain Kirk.  You share the other part of Captain Picard's name with your brother, Jean-Yves.  I am sure you would have been adventurous and fun-loving as well as brave and courageous.  I am comforted knowing that you are with your siblings in heaven.  I know that even if you were my only loss, you wouldn't have been alone.  There are aunts, uncles, and great-grandparents with you also.  But knowing that you have your brother and sister with you makes me feel like half of our family is just displaced for a while.

It boggles my mind that you would have been a year old this month.  Instead, I am entering the third trimester with your sibling.  And, so, I miss you.

Love,
Mommy

Some Days I Remember the Would-Have-Been's

Some days the miscarriages seems like a bad dream.  Some days it seems they were so far away.  And some days I remember the Would-Have-Been's.

Today...
I would have had a 1 and a half year old.

Or

I would have had a 1 year old

Or

I would have had a 6 month old

Instead

I am 25 weeks pregnant

It doesn't make me any less happy that this pregnancy is going well.  It doesn't make me any less sad for the babies we lost.  It's just weird to think that I wouldn't be here in this spot if it weren't for past losses.

20 Weeks

Did you know that I made it to 20 weeks?  Sometimes I can't believe it.

The day of my 16 week appointment, I cried and cried all morning.  I finally couldn't stand it anymore because I wasn't seeing the doctor until late afternoon.  I needed to be able to function and take care of the girls.  So I got down on my knees, prayed, and asked Heavenly Father to make the intense worry go away and allow me to go through the day with greater ease.  He did and I was able to get up, get showered, get dressed, help the girls with their schoolwork, and everything else.  I'm not going to say I didn't worry at all.  I did!  The worry at least was lessened so that I could function and I could still smile at funny things the girls were doing and laugh at their silliness.

It was a relief to hear the heartbeat at my doctor's appointment.  She could tell how relieved I was and just said "You know, just come in every week until you can feel the baby moving around more.  A nurse will check you out and it's such a quick visit."  I had resisted going in every week before since I didn't think they would really help.  It's not like I went into early labor, my babies just died and there's nothing medically that could have helped that.  This time I accepted the invitation and gladly went every week to hear the baby's heartbeat.

My doctor scheduled me for an 18-week Level 2 ultrasound at Riverside Hospital just to make sure the baby was developing well and everything was going smoothly.  We have had a Level 2 before with Vivi so I was looking forward to seeing everything up close and seeing all the details.  It's pretty awesome to see each arm and leg, the brain, the lungs, the heart, the blood flow, the face.  This baby was not as cooperative as Vivi and stayed curled up in a ball most of the time, which made getting good pictures pretty hard.  Everything turned out fine though.  I am going back in at 24 weeks for them to check a spot on my uterus that might be a fibroid, a cyst, or a polyp.  As long as it's not growing, the doctor isn't worried so I am not either.

Now I am at 20 weeks and I caught myself the other day thinking "Wow, remember when I was worried every single day that it would be the end?  Remember when I would say things like 'if this baby comes' or 'it's at least alive today'?"  I don't worry anymore and I even am starting to think about "when" this baby comes instead of "if".  I know full well that many things can happen from now until my due date.  Support group has taught me that.  However, with my history, I think I can be more relaxed.  Finally.

I just thought this was such a cool picture.  A little foot and leg.

Noooooo, stop sucking your thumb!

And, no, we didn't find out the gender.  I have always waited until the bitter end and I darn tootin' wanted at least one "normal" routine for this pregnancy!

When it Hurts

I am 16 weeks along in this pregnancy today.  I hope things are all right.  I have a doctor's appointment on Monday and I just would like it to go well.  

This pregnancy is hard.  I have been emotionally sick, mentally sick, and physically sick.  The only thing that has kept me going is that I am spiritually well.  I thought very carefully about how we would tell family and friends.  Part of me wanted to just wait until something happened.  Either another miscarriage or a baby being born.  And then one day I was just so sick with everything weighing down on me and I knew it was time to tell people for 2 reasons.

1.  I was not excited or happy about this pregnancy which seems very weird since this is what we have been wanting and praying for.  Even with that, it's not exciting to think your baby could just die one day and you won't know until your body tells you or your doctor tells you. It's not happy thoughts that dance around in your head, asking yourself what would happen if you had another miscarriage.  So I needed other people to be excited and happy for our family.  As painful as it was whenever anyone congratulated me, most of the time with a question in their voice (Congratulations?), I took comfort in the fact that at least SOMEONE could be excited about this.  

2.  There is not much anyone can do to help.  The one thing anybody and everybody can do is pray for comfort to our family and for a healthy pregnancy.  Why postpone that one thing when I need all the help I can get?  And I have felt the spiritual power of all the prayers, I really have.  I know people across the US and even in other countries that keep us in their prayers.  And it shows.  Even if this pregnancy does end in a sad way, it doesn't discount the comfort that we have received.

I talked recently with a friend from support group, who is also pregnant and due a few weeks after me.  She observed that I was, like her, feeling detached and distant from the baby.  I agreed and we talked about how it was a defense mechanism but we both acknowledged that the detachment would never make a pregnancy loss any easier.  

Lara wrote me this little card, pictured below.  It hurt when I wrote a letter back saying that I didn't know if the baby was still alive.  That all I could do was hope and pray that it was.  Every day I hope and pray that the baby is still alive.  

There Is No Way "Over"

I'm all about words to use and words to lose and I have lost the words "get", "over", and "it" when put together in any way, shape, or form.  I just don't understand them.  Thankfully, I have never been told by anyone that I should be over my losses.  I have heard people describe others as never having gotten over something, usually a loss, though.  What does that mean?  Does it mean that on special anniversaries/birthdays/days of remembrances that they get a little emotional and still sad?  Does it mean that they still talk about their loved one, years later?  Does it mean that they still miss them?  They can still smile though, right?  They still laugh sometimes?  They get out of bed and take care of themselves and their families?  If the answer is yes then, yeah, I guess they never got over it.  Instead they moved forward, like I am.  

Time does heal a lot of wounds.  The farther I get from certain dates, the hurt eases a little.  The grief counselor for my support group often describes it as a "shift".  Emotions can change and change again like a wave.  Sometimes the wave is far away from you, sometimes it just covers your toes, and sometimes it washes over.  But it never leaves.  You just have to figure out ways to handle the emotions when they wash over.  

I will never get over my losses.  And I am not alone in that.  I've heard from many, many women, several much older than I, who have gone on after losses to have many children.  And they still think about their miscarriages.  They still think about their losses.  They still miss them and wonder what their babies would have been like.  They all have moved forward though and I will too.

Do your loved ones a favor- Never tell them that they should be over a loss.  It's just not going to happen.  

Days to Celebrate and Days to Mourn

February 5 was my due date with Henrietta.  With it now being a year and a half since I started my miscarriage journey, I have discovered that I treat certain days differently for each baby.  For Jean-Yves and Henrietta, I knew their due dates and looked forward to them.  I celebrate their very short lives on those days and, although I am still quite sad, their due dates tend to be happy ones.  Don't get me wrong, I still cried plenty.  But it is possible to feel both grief and joy at the same time and on my celebration days the joy can overcome the grief.
Their loss dates though are very sad for me.  August will just be a hard month since I lost both of them around the same time in consecutive years.  I will mourn more on those days, maybe keep to myself and let myself cry.
Luc, however, was with us for so little time that I didn't even know a due date for him.  I didn't even get to that first doctor's appointment.  I think I would have questioned if I was pregnant at all if it hadn't been for the need for a DNC.  So for him, I celebrate his life on his loss date of November 22.

With Jean-Yves' and Henrietta's dates being so close, I planned a lot of celebrations that spanned the whole week.  My last celebration will be when I get to visit my best friend and her new son, August.  We were due 2 weeks apart and I can't wait to hold him and think about how small (or big) Henrietta would have been.  It is mind-boggling to think that time can just pass by like that.  That life does go on even though a part of me just stopped for a bit.

My First Angel-versary

Happy Angel-versary, Jean-Yves!

You would have been 1 today or sometime near this day.  I miss you terribly.  I saw this at the store the other day and thought of you!

You are named after one of my favorite characters in Star Trek.  Your dad wouldn't let me name you Jean-Luc and I also liked the name Yves which he also vetoed.  So we just compromised a little :)

Last week your sisters, Lara and Vivi, and I went to decorate candles for a group who is conducting a review on pregnancy loss and infant death.  They give these candles to families they come in contact with who have experienced a loss.  Now that I know how simple it is to decorate these candles, I am going to do one for you and your brother and sister who are with you in heaven.

Many of my friends sent me this picture in the past few days, which is so timely seeing how I am celebrating you.  I am grateful for my friends and family who often think of me and of you.

"The Child Who Was Never Born by Martin Hudaceka

I will be watching an episode of Star Trek: TNG and picking out all the traits of Captain Picard that I would have liked you to have.  A good leader, perhaps?  Brave and a good diplomat.  I am sure you would have been stubborn also because that is just in your genes!

It is hard to believe that you would be one years old; probably walking and babbling away.  Your sisters would be googly-eyed over you!  I would have made my first boyish cake for you.  What would you have liked?  A train?  Maybe one with a lot of candy?  A teddy bear?  One thing is for sure, our whole family loves to eat so I am sure you would have loved every bite!

We love you so much.  We miss you so much.  

'Til We Meet Again

Love, Mommy

First Steps

I've been thinking about first steps lately.  In my support group we often talk about our first steps and we celebrate with each other when we take them and grieve with each other when we aren't at that place yet.  My miscarriages changed me and there are actions, events, items, things, etc that I have not brought myself to experience again; things that are too hard for me to deal with because they remind me of my babies and of my grief.  I suppose this is not something special to pregnancy loss; any person who has experienced a loss has probably felt this.  

I had a pretty steady exercise routine in 2012-2013 and had developed awesome eating habits.  Before I got pregnant with Jean-Yves I had just finished a cleanse and I felt at the top of my game health-wise.  I stopped exercising when I was pregnant with Jean-Yves because of morning sickness and then came the miscarriage, another pregnancy, miscarriage, another pregnancy, and another miscarriage.  I suppose a touch of depression led me down the path of not caring about exercising or eating healthy.  Why would I want to take care of a body that I felt had betrayed me?  Another irrational thought: Well, that healthy living certainly didn't help me any so why bother?

A mom, whose daughter was stillborn because of cord accident, talked about how everyone says that the safest place for a growing baby is in the mother's body.  But when that isn't the case, your whole way of thinking is shattered and you just don't know what to do.  I have felt that way too.  My babies were healthy.  Something is wrong.  So why not just blame my body?

This month, I made the choice to start exercising again.  I just felt like I was in a place where I could do so again.  I could stop blaming myself for what happened and I can move forward in this one aspect.  I started slow and just exercised at home for a couple days.  Then my work hosted a hip-hop exercise class and I figured to just go for it.  I haven't been to a class in 2 years.  I haven't exercised for a whole hour in 2 years.  It was a great class and I felt great afterwards!  And then I also shed a few tears because I couldn't believe 2 years had gone by since the beginning of my first miscarriage pregnancy.  

I took a first step that day.  There are other steps that I still have to take.  It's painful.  It's hard.  It hurts.

I know you have steps.  Is it getting on FB that you have avoided because of all the ultrasound pictures and baby announcements?  Is it talking to a friend who is having a baby around the same time you were due?  Is it eating a food that you ate around the time you miscarried?  Is it being able to walk through the baby section of a clothing store?  Is it praying?  I know that someday you will be able to take those steps, whatever they are.  One at a time.  And it doesn't matter how long it takes you.  Whenever you take them will be the right time for you.  So here's a picture of me, with my sweaty red face, in my exercise clothes, lying exhausted on the floor, holding up a triumphant finger to celebrate my first step, to remind you that there are people who know what you are going through.  And we celebrate your first step!

Happy New Year

So it's 9 days into the New Year.  So what?  I still wish these sentiments on everyone, no matter when it is!

1.  May you be able to see the joy through the pain.
2.  May you find a rock to cling to through the troubled times.
3.  May your support lines never falter.