Normally, I wouldn't be worried. Normally, I would look something up on the internet about it and then say "totally fine." and deal with it. Normally, I would just wait until my next doctor's appointment to ask. Normally, I might have even ignored all those physical symptoms.
I have a new normal though.
I don't like to say that my world stopped or died when I had my 3 miscarriages. I am obviously still here and part of this world. Parts of my world died and changed though.
My world where I could have a blissful, carefree pregnancy is gone.
My world where I just assume that things are going to end with a baby in my arms is gone.
My world where I happily congratulate any person who has announced a pregnancy is gone.
Instead, I have extremely hard first and second trimesters where I worry every day.
Instead, I say "hopefully" a lot. "Hopefully, we will have a baby in October." I am 35 weeks and I still use "hopefully".
Instead, I wish them a healthy pregnancy. I am happy for them, I just cannot discount past experiences and the many, many women who have experienced pregnancy loss.
And so, I called my doctor today and asked to come in and be checked. Kudos to the nurses for not making me feel like I was acting crazy or being unreasonable. They patiently listened to what I had to say then hooked me up with a heartbeat and contraction monitor. It was determined that the baby was doing very well and wasn't in distress. I am having contractions, but small ones and not very regular. They advised me to rest when I felt contractions and to drink lots of water and, of course, to keep an eye on things. They assured me that I was right to come in and be checked and that they would rather me do that then worry for a week until my next appointment. I left feeling relieved that I had gone in and told myself that I wasn't being crazy.
I just have to accept that this is my new normal.
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