I've been thinking about first steps lately. In my support group we often talk about our first steps and we celebrate with each other when we take them and grieve with each other when we aren't at that place yet. My miscarriages changed me and there are actions, events, items, things, etc that I have not brought myself to experience again; things that are too hard for me to deal with because they remind me of my babies and of my grief. I suppose this is not something special to pregnancy loss; any person who has experienced a loss has probably felt this.
I had a pretty steady exercise routine in 2012-2013 and had developed awesome eating habits. Before I got pregnant with Jean-Yves I had just finished a cleanse and I felt at the top of my game health-wise. I stopped exercising when I was pregnant with Jean-Yves because of morning sickness and then came the miscarriage, another pregnancy, miscarriage, another pregnancy, and another miscarriage. I suppose a touch of depression led me down the path of not caring about exercising or eating healthy. Why would I want to take care of a body that I felt had betrayed me? Another irrational thought: Well, that healthy living certainly didn't help me any so why bother?
A mom, whose daughter was stillborn because of cord accident, talked about how everyone says that the safest place for a growing baby is in the mother's body. But when that isn't the case, your whole way of thinking is shattered and you just don't know what to do. I have felt that way too. My babies were healthy. Something is wrong. So why not just blame my body?
This month, I made the choice to start exercising again. I just felt like I was in a place where I could do so again. I could stop blaming myself for what happened and I can move forward in this one aspect. I started slow and just exercised at home for a couple days. Then my work hosted a hip-hop exercise class and I figured to just go for it. I haven't been to a class in 2 years. I haven't exercised for a whole hour in 2 years. It was a great class and I felt great afterwards! And then I also shed a few tears because I couldn't believe 2 years had gone by since the beginning of my first miscarriage pregnancy.
I took a first step that day. There are other steps that I still have to take. It's painful. It's hard. It hurts.
I know you have steps. Is it getting on FB that you have avoided because of all the ultrasound pictures and baby announcements? Is it talking to a friend who is having a baby around the same time you were due? Is it eating a food that you ate around the time you miscarried? Is it being able to walk through the baby section of a clothing store? Is it praying? I know that someday you will be able to take those steps, whatever they are. One at a time. And it doesn't matter how long it takes you. Whenever you take them will be the right time for you. So here's a picture of me, with my sweaty red face, in my exercise clothes, lying exhausted on the floor, holding up a triumphant finger to celebrate my first step, to remind you that there are people who know what you are going through. And we celebrate your first step!
