Finding Answers (or Not!)

You know how annoying it is when a child (maybe your own) is going through the "Why?" stage where every answer you have is followed up with another question?  And you just scream inside your head "Why isn't my answer good enough?!"

Questioning must just be basic part of human nature which is the reason it exhibits so early in our lives.  Our constant quest for further knowledge can lead to wonderful discoveries in our physical and spiritual world.  Yet it can also be frustrating when the answer cannot be found, at least not at this particular time.

After my third miscarriage it was time to go through some tests to see if we could find out what was going on with my body.  Henrietta was sent to Children's Hospital for a micro-array exam which looks for chromosomal anomalies.  I went to OSU Medical Center to see a specialist who ordered the usual battery of endocrine and immune system bloodwork when dealing with pregnancy loss.  (Genetic testing on mine and Reed's part was also a possibility and it was just super expensive and the doctor didn't feel like it would yield any useful information.  So we skipped that.)  All tests came back normal/positive with nothing to indicate what was going wrong.  When the nurse called to tell me the results she said "All tests came back normal, which is a good thing" and I yelled "No, that's NOT a good thing!"  Luckily, she had left a voicemail so it's not like she heard me.

Going into the testing the doctor kept giving a screening option and then would say "It is highly unlikely that this will show the problem because of your previous successful pregnancies and medical history."  It is the only time I have ever wished that there was something blatantly wrong with my health.

My story is not uncommon.  90% of the women I have met who have had miscarriages or early infant loss have not received answers as to why their babies died.  It is amazing and awesome to me how birth and all the steps leading up to it is so incredibly complicated and, even with all our advances in the medical field, we don't know everything.  As I have faced a future of uncertain pregnancies, I have prayed for answers to my questions- why, how, when?  Even though I have not received the answers I wanted or even answers to some specific questions, there are answers that I HAVE received.  These answers will get me through the times where the future is foggy.

1.  Heavenly Father knows me as an individual and He loves me.  He hears my prayers and has sent comfort to me when I have needed it most.  I know that He knows everything I am going through and will not leave me alone.

2.  Heavenly Father did not make this happen.  I have found that many women who have experienced a loss have been extremely upset by a statement made by many a friend: "God must have needed him (or her) on the other side."  I am not saying that this statement isn't true.  It very well may be.  I have met many people who have had that personal revelation that a loved one (including infants) completed their mission in this life and was taken for a higher purpose.  That is not the case for every loss and it was not the case with mine.  Life just happens.  Life is extremely complicated.  We don't know everything about Life and therefore we don't know everything about Death.

3.  Jesus Christ, through His infinite atonement, took upon him all of my sorrows.  I don't have to deal with my grief and pain alone.  And so I won't.

These answers are so important to me at this time of uncertainty and disappointment.  I found these answers through much prayer, scripture study, and counsel.  I know that you can find such answers too and I hope that you do!

The Grief Stages: And How it Might Keep Going and Going

I love this set of sculptures from The Midnight Orange and, when I save enough money, I am buying them!

The stages in the grieving can go by several names but the most the common are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, and then, as illustrated by the last sculpture above, Healing.  I think of these stages as more of a cycle.  The stages don't necessarily manifest in a particular order and there can be a circling back to a stage days, weeks, months, or maybe even years after experiencing a different stage.  I know that these stages occurred very quickly for my first two miscarriages.  It has been 2 months after my third loss and I STILL have bad days so it can be different for everyone!

As a music therapist with a psychology minor, I have found this process fascinating.  The specific instances that I can pinpoint during a particular stage have been an eye-opener for me in realizing what other people who have experienced profound loss can go through.

Denial:  I was pretty sure that when they wheeled me into the operating room for my third DNC that it was going to turn out to be a big mistake.  They would find the heartbeat and everything would be fine.  Seems pretty silly now!  I am thankful that this stage was quick for me.  I had to face facts and facts were the only things that could snap me back to life.
  
Anger:  I was very sick with two of the pregnancies that ended in losses.  During this stage I was so angry that I went through all that nauseousness, medication, exhaustion, not being able to get out of bed, etc  FOR NOTHING.  Now looking back, it wasn't for nothing even though it didn't end the way I wanted.  Still, the anger was real for me.

Depression:  If it weren't for my kids, husband, and job, I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed for several days.  Some days I would fix breakfast very mechanically, just going through the steps to get things done.  I could see how that affected my girls though and so I tried very hard to find the support I needed to get out of the rut.  Sometimes what helped that day was as simple as having a little chat with Reed and telling him that I still felt sad.  Just acknowledging out loud what was wrong made it easier to move to Acceptance.


There are days that I wish I didn't have to be accepting of my losses.  There are days that I am angry that everyone else seems to be having babies when I should have been having mine.  There are days that I play the "what if" game.  There are days where I hide the tears that are just behind my eyes, threatening to explode.

Then there are the days that I can find the blessings in my life.  There are days where I can smile and laugh without feeling guilty.  There are the days when I can enjoy camaraderie with women who I would not have met if not for our shared experiences.  There are days where I can genuinely pray to my Heavenly Father and thank Him for all that He has given me.


No matter what stage you are experiencing, I hope that you have the support you need.  I hope that you know that what you are feeling is normal!

You can read more about these stages at the following links.  They all reference a book by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross "On Death and Dying".  Perhaps I will check it out some day!

http://www.amhc.org/58-grief-bereavement-issues/article/8444-stage-of-grief-models-kubler-ross
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

Day of Remembrance: October 15th

October 15th is a day that we can set aside to remember the babies that left this earth a little too early.  Every family has different ways that they remember their babies.  In an earlier blog post, I described a tulip bulb planting ceremony.  As part of that ceremony there was also an art display, comprising of pieces of art that families created to remember the babies they lost.  There were so many different mediums used:  tattoos, remembrance scrapbooks, quilts, paintings, drawings, poems, photos, etc.  It was beautiful to see all the soul that people put into their artwork.

I think it is important for each family to think of their own special way to remember their babies.  Perhaps it as simple as singing a certain lullaby on one of the dates associated with a miscarriage or stillbirth.  Perhaps it is by participating in a March of Dimes walk.  One lady in my support group reached out to her family and friends to send in themed photos each month.  One month it was "Send something that has an elephant."  Another was "Send something associated with the number 3"  Ultra creative and it involved people who cared about her and wanted to help in some way!

I found a store called The Midnight Orange on Etsy several years ago.  I thought her sculptures were beautiful and I never thought I would actually buy one.  After my first miscarriage I thought that being pregnant would take away the sting of loss when the first due date rolled around.  Then I had a second miscarriage and that due date was going to come with seemingly no silver lining.  So I decided I needed a way to commemorate my two miscarriages (at the time, I hadn't named my babies) so I bought this sculpture from The Midnight Orange and waited to open it on January 24th, my original due date.

I love my little sculpture and I really appreciated the note from the artist.  I look at my sculpture often and sometimes I talk to the little angels and tell them how much I love and miss them.  As you can see, there are only two angels with this sculpture so now I need something else for my third!  I have decided to get three of these angel pendants and, just like before, I will wait to open them until February 5th.

Aren't they just beautiful?  This gives me something to look forward to rather than dreading a date that can be filled with sorrow.

A family member sent me this suggestion of a way to celebrate the Day of Remembrance.  I love this!  Just a little simple act that make you feel connected to others around the world.  I work late on Wednesdays so I lit a candle in my heart.

What are some ways that you remember your babies?  Share them here because I am still looking for ideas!

Finding Support

With my first two miscarriages I didn't really seek out any additional support other than friends and family.  I am not sure why, I just didn't.  After the third one, I felt like I needed to stay on top of my mental health and started reading more about support groups and organizations that help women and their families who have suffered a pregnancy or infant loss.  I went to my first support group meeting just two weeks after the miscarriage and I was so surprised at how many women shared how they were told by friends and family members to not talk about their loss.  It was obvious that they did not have a good support system outside of the group and that made me sad.  It is imperative that every woman and family have the means to express their grief and find comfort in human contact.

My support group is sponsored by Ohio Health and you can find here information here.  The counselor who facilitates this group is wonderful and I highly recommend attending!  To commemorate Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month they held a Candlelight Tulip Ceremony for families to attend and it was so beautiful.  Families can write their babies names on little cards and hang them on a "Remembrance Tree" which is brought back each year for the ceremony.

Families were invited to share poems, letters, scriptures, anything that commemorated their baby.  There were all kinds of different stories present.  People who miscarried a few months ago, a year ago, or even many years ago.  People who had a child stillborn.  People who commemorated a lost sibling or grandchild.  One woman's son would have been a year old that month.  She thanked us for helping her to celebrate his birthday.  

Children were encouraged to draw a picture that could be buried with the tulip bulbs.  The bulbs were then passed out and as you received one you could say the name/s of the babies that you lost.  The garden was then opened for everyone to plant their tulip bulbs.

 Each of my girls picked a sibling's namecard to decorate and then we rolled it up into a little scroll to plant with the tulip.

I think this was a perfect way to involve my kids in the grieving process.  They were so excited to share the names of their siblings even though they were sad that the babies did not survive.

October is a great month to get involved in an organization or group that provides help in the healing process.  Below you will find a few links that I found for groups, mostly in Ohio.  If you need such a support system then I hope that you will find one that fits you!  If you feel like you cannot talk to members of your immediate circle about your loss, I guarantee that you are not alone and that SOMEONE wants to talk to you.  If anything, leave a comment and share your story with me.  I am a good listener and happy to talk!

Support Resources

http://www.marchofdimes.org/
http://carryingtenderangels.com/othersupport.html
http://www.firstcandle.org/grieving-families/grief-resources/local-support/#Ohio
http://facesofloss.com/face2face-groups
http://cornerstoneofhope.org/

October: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Today is October 1st and it kicks off Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month in the US.  I never thought I would care about this month.  I never thought I would care about October 15th, the day set aside for remembrance of the children who didn't stay on earth very long.

After having 3 beautiful daughters with no complications during pregnancy or birth, miscarriage was the furthest thing from my mind.  It was something that happened to other women.  Or at least women who hadn't had children yet.  I probably thought that I was immune.

Then starting in August of 2013, I lost 3 babies in a row and now I have lots of dates to remember.  I started this blog in the hopes that it will encourage other women to speak about their miscarriages.  I never felt the need to keep quiet and I never was encouraged to.  I had a wonderful support system which came out in force during my first miscarriage and stayed with me for the other two.  I was surprised to hear how many women I knew felt like they could never speak about their losses.  Everyone grieves in their own way and perhaps some women are more comfortable keeping their grief private.  No one should feel like they SHOULDN'T talk about it though.

If you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss recently or even if it hasn't been recent and you are still trying to cope with the grief, I hope that you will seek out a local support group.  They all have special events going on through out the month and have the resources that you need!

To start out the month and this blog, I have chosen to name all 3 of my babies.  I love each of them deeply and can't wait to meet them in heaven!

Jean-Yves: August 4th, 2013

Reed and I like to wait until the bitter end to find out the gender of our babies and it wasn't going to be any different with this one.  During that first ultrasound my OB let out an exclamation "Whoa, is that a penis?!"  Usually genitalia doesn't develop so early but she was so convinced that is what she saw.  I just laughed it off and figured we would find out when the baby was born.  Now I think that was a tender mercy of the Lord, giving me something to look back at later and feel some connection to our baby again.  I lost Jean-Yves at 14 weeks.  I have always loved the French male name "Yves" and we thought it would never work in the states.  I wanted to have a son named Jean-Luc and Reed thought that it was a little nerdy of me. :)  So we came up with this compromise!  (a look at the next name will tell you the rest of the negotiation).

Luc James: November 22nd, 2013

I don't have any pictures of Luc because he died at 6-8 weeks or, as I sometimes think of, as a "regular" miscarriage.  So I have just guessed as to gender and I decided on a boy.  Maybe because I don't have any living sons yet so I might as well have some waiting in heaven!  Star Trek nerds will get his name :)

Henrietta Jeanette: August 21st, 2014

Henrietta's ultrasound pictures do not give justice to her beautiful soul so I am not posting them.  We know this one was a girl because we had the micro-array testing completed.  I lost her at 16 weeks.  She is named after a Swiss ancestor of Reed's.  A few weeks after the miscarriage and subsequent DNC, we were visiting with his aunt and she was showing us some old portraits of his ancestors.  This name came up which is one of his great-great-great-grandmother (I might be off on how many greats there are) and at once I knew that would be my baby's name.  Jeanette is pronounced the Swiss/French way with an "uh" at the end.

I know that I will be with my babies again some day.  I love and miss them deeply.  I hope that you leave a comment on this post, telling me about your beautiful angels!  I want to hear your stories and I want to hear of your love for your babies during this month of remembrance!