It's October Again

It has been a whole year since I started this blog.  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and nothing makes this more real to me than being 38 weeks pregnant.  I miss my babies every day.  I think about them often and still get sad sometimes.  I am glad I started this blog though.  It's given me a place where I can record my thoughts and let people who read the posts know that it's OK to talk about this.  It's, of course, OK to not talk about it also if that is your choice.  Everyone should have a choice in how they grieve.  In the past year I've connected with people whom I never would have met in the first place because of this blog.  I've talked with friends who have had losses and didn't know who else to talk with.  I've talked with friends who have wanted to support other friends who have had pregnancy loss and didn't know how to do it.  I've talked with women much older than I who still miss their babies.  I have born my testimony to many about how I know that Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy.  He has made it possible for me to see my babies again.  I love thinking about Jean-Yves, Luc, and Henrietta sending down our rainbow baby with their love.

Here are some of my favorite pictures to commemorate October.

Rainbow Babies

They Remember

The other day, the girls were talking about their guesses as to what this baby will be- a boy or a girl.  They started counting all the girls vs. boys in our family and Lara asked "How many girls died?"  At first I didn't know what she was talking about.  After asking for clarification I figured out she was asking how many boys we lost with the miscarriages and how many girls (for the record, two boys and one girl).  I am glad she remembers because sometimes I wonder if I don't talk about it enough with her and her sisters.  And sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who remembers.

The New Normal

Tuesday night I started feeling funny- very nauseous, contraction-like feelings that continued into Wednesday night, and the baby was moving A LOT (which can be quite painful).  

Normally, I wouldn't be worried.  Normally, I would look something up on the internet about it and then say "totally fine." and deal with it.  Normally, I would just wait until my next doctor's appointment to ask.  Normally, I might have even ignored all those physical symptoms.

I have a new normal though.  

I don't like to say that my world stopped or died when I had my 3 miscarriages.  I am obviously still here and part of this world.  Parts of my world died and changed though.  

My world where I could have a blissful, carefree pregnancy is gone.

My world where I just assume that things are going to end with a baby in my arms is gone.

My world where I happily congratulate any person who has announced a pregnancy is gone.  

Instead, I have extremely hard first and second trimesters where I worry every day.

Instead, I say "hopefully" a lot.  "Hopefully, we will have a baby in October."  I am 35 weeks and I still use "hopefully".

Instead, I wish them a healthy pregnancy.  I am happy for them, I just cannot discount past experiences and the many, many women who have experienced pregnancy loss.

And so, I called my doctor today and asked to come in and be checked.  Kudos to the nurses for not making me feel like I was acting crazy or being unreasonable.  They patiently listened to what I had to say then hooked me up with a heartbeat and contraction monitor.  It was determined that the baby was doing very well and wasn't in distress.  I am having contractions, but small ones and not very regular.  They advised me to rest when I felt contractions and to drink lots of water and, of course, to keep an eye on things.  They assured me that I was right to come in and be checked and that they would rather me do that then worry for a week until my next appointment.  I left feeling relieved that I had gone in and told myself that I wasn't being crazy.

I just have to accept that this is my new normal.

Trying Everything

A lot of people have asked what I've done differently this pregnancy or if I have had any answers as to what was going on.  My answer- EVERYTHING and NO.

After the last miscarriage and all the tests came back normal, my doctor just looked at me and said "You can try any voodoo magic that you want."  She understood that even if the only helpful side effect was psychological, it would be worth it.  So I did.  I didn't research a whole lot of things but if something came across that seemed to make sense then I did it.

1.  Baby Aspirin

My doctor prescribed a baby aspirin a day which I have taken up until week 27.  The only reason I stopped was because I felt safe enough at that point.  Dr. Mini explained that there are no medical studies that absolutely prove that this method prevents miscarriages.  There is enough anecdotal evidence and the risks are so low that she felt like it was a good place to start.

2.  Folic Acid

Dr. Mini also doubled my folic acid intake for the same reasons stated above.  No medical proof that this works but you can't overdose on folic acid so you might as well try.

3.  Chiropractic visits

2 weeks after losing Henrietta, I injured my back and ended up fainting from the pain, giving myself a nice huge abrasion on the side of my face and messing up my neck right in time for my birthday.  I was in so much pain that I decided to give the chiropractor a try.  When he was going through my x-rays with me, he pointed out that I had a very interesting pattern in my spine.  In each part of my spine, the number 4 disk was out of place.  He said that was very unusual but it made perfect sense to me.  He explained that especially the alignment issue in my lower back could cause a decrease in blood flow and cause nerve interruption to the reproductive system.  I remembered that after the other two miscarriages I also had experienced back pain.  Not enough to cause me to faint but enough for me to remember.  Coincidence?  Side effect from DNC's?  Maybe.  I wasn't taking any chances though.  So now I see him and the massage therapist from the same practice twice a month for a one-hour therapeutic massage and chiropractic adjustment.  Since insurance covers both services then why not?  

Something else interesting the chiropractor said was that he was surprised that my alignment issues caused me so much pain.  He said those particular places don't usually cause pain, the issues would usually manifest themselves in other ways such as recurrent miscarriages.  Perhaps it is a good thing that I fainted when I did.  Maybe my body was just trying to get me on the right path.  Or not.  It could be a coincidence and I probably won't ever know in this life.  For now, I just enjoy my massage and thinking that maybe this was the difference.

4.  Water Purification System

We were walking through Home Depot one day and an employee approached us to complete a survey about our water at home.  Since Reed and I were both curious about the state of our water we completed the survey and agreed to have a water test done in our home with the company.  I was astounded with all the things wrong with our water.  The only level that was within normal range was our ph.  I could not believe how much chlorine was in there or how hard it was or how many particles were found.  You may say "Oh, it was just a magic show" but I already knew city water is bad, I just didn't know HOW bad.  We bought a basic purification system to the tune of a pretty penny.  This is probably my most expensive change and I am happy we did it.  It took about 3 weeks for the system to flush out and run through our entire property and after that I could really see a difference.  I drink more water now and can feel a difference when I shower.  Reed, always the skeptical one, even said that he could tell a difference.  Funny story- he was talking with a co-worker and mentioned that I was newly pregnant.  She looked at him very seriously and said "Do not let her drink tap water."  So I am not the only one who thinks this is a great idea!

4.  Increased ultrasounds

I am not classified as "high risk" with my doctor which surprises some people.  I have never asked why because I trust my doctor, whom I have been with since I was pregnant with Lara, and I figured if she thought it was necessary then she would tell me.  She did recommend a couple visits to the Maternal Fetal Medicine department at Riverside Hospital for some additional Level 2 scans.  I really don't think these scans could have prevented future miscarriages since my babies have just died and I already knew that, at least with Henrietta, everything developmentally had been normal.  But again, might as well do it and get great pictures!

Like I have said, I don't know if any of these things have fixed the root problem of my miscarriages and I will probably never know in this life.  Psychologically, these things have made ALL the difference.  I didn't want to sit back and do nothing.  Doing something was better.  And now I am 33 weeks pregnant.

The little stinker was not cooperating for my last ultrasound and had an arm slung across the face.  The technician tried to get him or her to move but to no avail.  It just made me laugh :)

Dear Luc

Dear Luc James,

Sometime during the month of July 2014 was your due date.  I don't actually know the specific date because I lost you so early and I never made it to the doctor.  I actually would have always wondered if I really miscarried or just had a really late period.  Except a week later, I started bleeding heavily and ended up needing a DNC.  So I know I really lost you.  The holidays were not quite as fun knowing that.

I wish I could have seen you, like I did with Jean-Yves and Henrietta.  If you really are a girl, I apologize!  I just decided you were a boy and gave you a name.  I'll make it up to you after we are resurrected and you can set me straight.

You are named after my two favorite Star Trek captains, Captain Picard and Captain Kirk.  You share the other part of Captain Picard's name with your brother, Jean-Yves.  I am sure you would have been adventurous and fun-loving as well as brave and courageous.  I am comforted knowing that you are with your siblings in heaven.  I know that even if you were my only loss, you wouldn't have been alone.  There are aunts, uncles, and great-grandparents with you also.  But knowing that you have your brother and sister with you makes me feel like half of our family is just displaced for a while.

It boggles my mind that you would have been a year old this month.  Instead, I am entering the third trimester with your sibling.  And, so, I miss you.

Love,
Mommy

Some Days I Remember the Would-Have-Been's

Some days the miscarriages seems like a bad dream.  Some days it seems they were so far away.  And some days I remember the Would-Have-Been's.

Today...
I would have had a 1 and a half year old.

Or

I would have had a 1 year old

Or

I would have had a 6 month old

Instead

I am 25 weeks pregnant

It doesn't make me any less happy that this pregnancy is going well.  It doesn't make me any less sad for the babies we lost.  It's just weird to think that I wouldn't be here in this spot if it weren't for past losses.

20 Weeks

Did you know that I made it to 20 weeks?  Sometimes I can't believe it.

The day of my 16 week appointment, I cried and cried all morning.  I finally couldn't stand it anymore because I wasn't seeing the doctor until late afternoon.  I needed to be able to function and take care of the girls.  So I got down on my knees, prayed, and asked Heavenly Father to make the intense worry go away and allow me to go through the day with greater ease.  He did and I was able to get up, get showered, get dressed, help the girls with their schoolwork, and everything else.  I'm not going to say I didn't worry at all.  I did!  The worry at least was lessened so that I could function and I could still smile at funny things the girls were doing and laugh at their silliness.

It was a relief to hear the heartbeat at my doctor's appointment.  She could tell how relieved I was and just said "You know, just come in every week until you can feel the baby moving around more.  A nurse will check you out and it's such a quick visit."  I had resisted going in every week before since I didn't think they would really help.  It's not like I went into early labor, my babies just died and there's nothing medically that could have helped that.  This time I accepted the invitation and gladly went every week to hear the baby's heartbeat.

My doctor scheduled me for an 18-week Level 2 ultrasound at Riverside Hospital just to make sure the baby was developing well and everything was going smoothly.  We have had a Level 2 before with Vivi so I was looking forward to seeing everything up close and seeing all the details.  It's pretty awesome to see each arm and leg, the brain, the lungs, the heart, the blood flow, the face.  This baby was not as cooperative as Vivi and stayed curled up in a ball most of the time, which made getting good pictures pretty hard.  Everything turned out fine though.  I am going back in at 24 weeks for them to check a spot on my uterus that might be a fibroid, a cyst, or a polyp.  As long as it's not growing, the doctor isn't worried so I am not either.

Now I am at 20 weeks and I caught myself the other day thinking "Wow, remember when I was worried every single day that it would be the end?  Remember when I would say things like 'if this baby comes' or 'it's at least alive today'?"  I don't worry anymore and I even am starting to think about "when" this baby comes instead of "if".  I know full well that many things can happen from now until my due date.  Support group has taught me that.  However, with my history, I think I can be more relaxed.  Finally.

I just thought this was such a cool picture.  A little foot and leg.

Noooooo, stop sucking your thumb!

And, no, we didn't find out the gender.  I have always waited until the bitter end and I darn tootin' wanted at least one "normal" routine for this pregnancy!