I See You

It's been over a year since I have last posted.  I'll write more on that later.  For now, it's October 15th and it's a day set aside for Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Awareness.  All over the world, families are lighting candles to remember their little ones that are waiting for them in heaven.  So, this is post is for you. 

I see you. 
I see you thinking about how to actually answer the question "How many kids do you have?" 
I see you.
I see you trying to change the subject when it turns to baby bumps and morning sickness.  I know you would give everything to go through that JUST to have a baby in your arms.
I see you.  I know what it's like.  I've been there.
I've smiled a genuinely happy smile at a pregnancy announcement and then turned, walked quickly to the safety of my office, put my head down on my desk and cried.
I see you.  Unfollowing all your pregnant friends, ESPECIALLY if they are due around the same time you would have been.  It's not that you don't love them.  It's not that you aren't happy for them.  Sometimes...  you just...  can't.
I've been there.  I have broken down at family dinners when pregnancy was mentioned.  I've run out of the room crying.  I have put my head down, trying to hide my face so that no one could see my tear-streaked face.  I've locked myself in the bathroom trying to pull myself together.  I've sat and cried in my car before going in to a baby shower.
I see you.  Praying for answers.  And when answers don't seem to come, trying to reconcile that with your faith.
I see you avoiding the baby aisles at the grocery store or even avoiding actual babies.
Mother's Day can be hard.  Father's Day can be hard.  Thanksgiving.  Christmas.  Angelversaries.  All hard. 
I know.  I've been there.  So I tell you- you are not alone.