The stages in the grieving can go by several names but the most the common are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, and then, as illustrated by the last sculpture above, Healing. I think of these stages as more of a cycle. The stages don't necessarily manifest in a particular order and there can be a circling back to a stage days, weeks, months, or maybe even years after experiencing a different stage. I know that these stages occurred very quickly for my first two miscarriages. It has been 2 months after my third loss and I STILL have bad days so it can be different for everyone!
As a music therapist with a psychology minor, I have found this process fascinating. The specific instances that I can pinpoint during a particular stage have been an eye-opener for me in realizing what other people who have experienced profound loss can go through.
Denial: I was pretty sure that when they wheeled me into the operating room for my third DNC that it was going to turn out to be a big mistake. They would find the heartbeat and everything would be fine. Seems pretty silly now! I am thankful that this stage was quick for me. I had to face facts and facts were the only things that could snap me back to life.
Anger: I was very sick with two of the pregnancies that ended in losses. During this stage I was so angry that I went through all that nauseousness, medication, exhaustion, not being able to get out of bed, etc FOR NOTHING. Now looking back, it wasn't for nothing even though it didn't end the way I wanted. Still, the anger was real for me.
Depression: If it weren't for my kids, husband, and job, I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed for several days. Some days I would fix breakfast very mechanically, just going through the steps to get things done. I could see how that affected my girls though and so I tried very hard to find the support I needed to get out of the rut. Sometimes what helped that day was as simple as having a little chat with Reed and telling him that I still felt sad. Just acknowledging out loud what was wrong made it easier to move to Acceptance.
There are days that I wish I didn't have to be accepting of my losses. There are days that I am angry that everyone else seems to be having babies when I should have been having mine. There are days that I play the "what if" game. There are days where I hide the tears that are just behind my eyes, threatening to explode.
Then there are the days that I can find the blessings in my life. There are days where I can smile and laugh without feeling guilty. There are the days when I can enjoy camaraderie with women who I would not have met if not for our shared experiences. There are days where I can genuinely pray to my Heavenly Father and thank Him for all that He has given me.
No matter what stage you are experiencing, I hope that you have the support you need. I hope that you know that what you are feeling is normal!
You can read more about these stages at the following links. They all reference a book by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross "On Death and Dying". Perhaps I will check it out some day!
http://www.amhc.org/58-grief-bereavement-issues/article/8444-stage-of-grief-models-kubler-ross
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
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