Finding Answers (or Not!)

You know how annoying it is when a child (maybe your own) is going through the "Why?" stage where every answer you have is followed up with another question?  And you just scream inside your head "Why isn't my answer good enough?!"

Questioning must just be basic part of human nature which is the reason it exhibits so early in our lives.  Our constant quest for further knowledge can lead to wonderful discoveries in our physical and spiritual world.  Yet it can also be frustrating when the answer cannot be found, at least not at this particular time.

After my third miscarriage it was time to go through some tests to see if we could find out what was going on with my body.  Henrietta was sent to Children's Hospital for a micro-array exam which looks for chromosomal anomalies.  I went to OSU Medical Center to see a specialist who ordered the usual battery of endocrine and immune system bloodwork when dealing with pregnancy loss.  (Genetic testing on mine and Reed's part was also a possibility and it was just super expensive and the doctor didn't feel like it would yield any useful information.  So we skipped that.)  All tests came back normal/positive with nothing to indicate what was going wrong.  When the nurse called to tell me the results she said "All tests came back normal, which is a good thing" and I yelled "No, that's NOT a good thing!"  Luckily, she had left a voicemail so it's not like she heard me.

Going into the testing the doctor kept giving a screening option and then would say "It is highly unlikely that this will show the problem because of your previous successful pregnancies and medical history."  It is the only time I have ever wished that there was something blatantly wrong with my health.

My story is not uncommon.  90% of the women I have met who have had miscarriages or early infant loss have not received answers as to why their babies died.  It is amazing and awesome to me how birth and all the steps leading up to it is so incredibly complicated and, even with all our advances in the medical field, we don't know everything.  As I have faced a future of uncertain pregnancies, I have prayed for answers to my questions- why, how, when?  Even though I have not received the answers I wanted or even answers to some specific questions, there are answers that I HAVE received.  These answers will get me through the times where the future is foggy.

1.  Heavenly Father knows me as an individual and He loves me.  He hears my prayers and has sent comfort to me when I have needed it most.  I know that He knows everything I am going through and will not leave me alone.

2.  Heavenly Father did not make this happen.  I have found that many women who have experienced a loss have been extremely upset by a statement made by many a friend: "God must have needed him (or her) on the other side."  I am not saying that this statement isn't true.  It very well may be.  I have met many people who have had that personal revelation that a loved one (including infants) completed their mission in this life and was taken for a higher purpose.  That is not the case for every loss and it was not the case with mine.  Life just happens.  Life is extremely complicated.  We don't know everything about Life and therefore we don't know everything about Death.

3.  Jesus Christ, through His infinite atonement, took upon him all of my sorrows.  I don't have to deal with my grief and pain alone.  And so I won't.

These answers are so important to me at this time of uncertainty and disappointment.  I found these answers through much prayer, scripture study, and counsel.  I know that you can find such answers too and I hope that you do!