They Remember

The other day, the girls were talking about their guesses as to what this baby will be- a boy or a girl.  They started counting all the girls vs. boys in our family and Lara asked "How many girls died?"  At first I didn't know what she was talking about.  After asking for clarification I figured out she was asking how many boys we lost with the miscarriages and how many girls (for the record, two boys and one girl).  I am glad she remembers because sometimes I wonder if I don't talk about it enough with her and her sisters.  And sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who remembers.

The New Normal

Tuesday night I started feeling funny- very nauseous, contraction-like feelings that continued into Wednesday night, and the baby was moving A LOT (which can be quite painful).  

Normally, I wouldn't be worried.  Normally, I would look something up on the internet about it and then say "totally fine." and deal with it.  Normally, I would just wait until my next doctor's appointment to ask.  Normally, I might have even ignored all those physical symptoms.

I have a new normal though.  

I don't like to say that my world stopped or died when I had my 3 miscarriages.  I am obviously still here and part of this world.  Parts of my world died and changed though.  

My world where I could have a blissful, carefree pregnancy is gone.

My world where I just assume that things are going to end with a baby in my arms is gone.

My world where I happily congratulate any person who has announced a pregnancy is gone.  

Instead, I have extremely hard first and second trimesters where I worry every day.

Instead, I say "hopefully" a lot.  "Hopefully, we will have a baby in October."  I am 35 weeks and I still use "hopefully".

Instead, I wish them a healthy pregnancy.  I am happy for them, I just cannot discount past experiences and the many, many women who have experienced pregnancy loss.

And so, I called my doctor today and asked to come in and be checked.  Kudos to the nurses for not making me feel like I was acting crazy or being unreasonable.  They patiently listened to what I had to say then hooked me up with a heartbeat and contraction monitor.  It was determined that the baby was doing very well and wasn't in distress.  I am having contractions, but small ones and not very regular.  They advised me to rest when I felt contractions and to drink lots of water and, of course, to keep an eye on things.  They assured me that I was right to come in and be checked and that they would rather me do that then worry for a week until my next appointment.  I left feeling relieved that I had gone in and told myself that I wasn't being crazy.

I just have to accept that this is my new normal.